


Five Blog Entries John Will Never Write

by emungere



Series: Ain't Seen the Sunshine [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:44:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emungere/pseuds/emungere





	Five Blog Entries John Will Never Write

1\. 

I hate Bryan. I try to be nice...ish about him because I know Lestrade really loved him at one point and thought they'd be together forever, and I don't want to hurt Lestrade more than that bastard already managed it, so I try. 

But I hate him. He's a prick. He's an evil, _small_ man, and I'd like to kick his teeth in. I have stupid fantasies sometimes about seeing him on the street and him having a go at me because then I'd have an excuse and that would be lovely. 

Well. It probably wouldn't. I'd probably feel like shit after, and it wouldn't change anything, but even knowing that, I'd likely still do it if he gave me an excuse. Oh fucking hell, no I wouldn't. Just realised that, and after I've spent so much time thinking about it too. I wouldn't even have him charged with assault because that would drag Lestrade into it all over again, and I'm fucking well not having that. 

Anyway. I hate him because of what he did to Lestrade, yeah, but also on my account. Because I'd like to marry Lestrade. And it's not going to happen. He's already been down that road and, given how it turned out, I can't blame him for not being especially eager to get that piece of paper again. 

Maybe he'll feel differently in a few years, but I don't really think so. I think he sees what we've got as enough. More than enough. And so it is. Should be enough for anyone. 

Except I want it, that stupid, pointless piece of paper that says we belong together, that makes it official. Can't help it. I'm just that bloody boring and traditional. I won't get it. I know that. I can't ask him without making him feel obligated, and he won't ask me, so that's that. 

But Bryan's a poisonous little wanker and I hate him. So there. 

 

2\. 

That protective streak Lestrade's got. He says it scares him, how angry he gets. It doesn't scare me. I like it. Maybe too much. Something about him be willing to stand between me and the world. Not that I'd let him when it really matters, when he might get hurt. But it's nice that he wants to. 

After that bastard went after me with a knife, all I wanted was Lestrade. Just for him to be there. That's new for me. 

When things go wrong, I don't call anyone. Normally when things go wrong, other people call me. That's the way it's supposed to be. That was my entire job in Afghanistan. Wait for the call, sort out the mess. But even in my personal life, there's never been anyone I'd willingly call when I'm in trouble. Rather just deal with it myself. No matter how bad it was, it never seemed like having someone else there would make it any better. I'd just have to deal with it _and them_. 

Until Lestrade. I feel bad sometimes, letting him help. Horribly selfish. When I got that cut on my arm at Mary's and he took me to A&E, I kept thinking I should send him home. No point both of us sitting there. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't have let him come. But he wouldn't have gone, and I didn't want him to. I wanted him right there with his arm around me, glaring at anyone who dared look at us wrong. 

New and strange, but kind of nice. 

 

3\. 

I'm pretty sure Lestrade still thinks I don't want to introduce him to my parents because of him. Either him personally or just because he's a man, not sure which. Maybe both. 

It's not that. Not that there won't be some fallout on that score. And more fallout when Mum finds out there won't be any big gay wedding followed promptly by the adoption of grandchildren. There will be sighs and sad looks, but they've been through it before with Harry and they didn't expect much of me in that department anyway. 

It's what they did expect of me that's the problem. A respectable career, a normal life. I'm meant to be the one they can talk about to their neighbours. The Army doctor serving in Afghanistan. Or wherever. Anywhere a few thousand miles away would do. 

Or maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe they'll have no problem with it. The thing is, I'll never know because they'll never tell me. No shouting, no real fights, nothing like that. Not in my family, god no. It's all significant looks I'm meant to be able to interpret and too often can't, minute expressions of disappointment, digs so subtle you'd miss them completely if you hadn't grown up with them. 

I have no idea how to even begin to explain it to Lestrade. He grew up with people hitting him, and I'm worried about not-even-very-nasty looks? 

I know that, on the whole, I had it very easy. But I do wish that, just once, someone in my family would actually say what they feel, what they want, or at least what they want from _me_ out loud. I wish that we could talk about Harry's drinking, or the affairs Dad had, or that time when I was ten and Mum didn't speak to him, at all, for almost two months. I wish I'd heard them say 'I love you' to each other, even once in my life. 

I wish, I suppose, that I wasn't left with the feeling that Harry and I were their only hope in life, and that we've both disappointed them. 

 

4\. 

I've killed three people. Two in Afghanistan, in separate incidents, and then Mr Hudson. I shot all of them. Dr E asked me how I felt about that, and I said I wish I could've found some way to avoid it. Which is true. But it's not really a feeling, as such. 

When I try to think how I feel about it, there's nothing there. Just a massive gap where some sort of emotion ought to be. I'm afraid that I'll get those feelings back someday and it'll be too much. I just won't be able to cope with it. 

Or maybe it'll be like this forever. Just nothing. I can't decide which is worse. 

 

5\. 

Lestrade and cigarettes. I've only seen him smoke once in person, mostly it's just in photos, and it's a good thing because it's _embarrassing_ how sexy it is.

I have to discourage it. I know exactly how bad it is for him, and I want him around for a very long time to come, and obviously I'm not ever going to hand him a cigarette and say, 'Unzip your jeans and smoke this while I suck your cock and you look at me like you looked at the camera in every goddamn photo taken of you between 16 and 25.'

I just think about it in the shower sometimes when I'm having a wank, that's all. 

And all right, it's not just the smoking. It's that whole look, that whole attitude he had. Still has, to a certain extent. There are times when I look at him, all in leather and straddling his bike, and I think, how the hell did someone like that end up with someone like me? 

Not that there's anything wrong with me particularly, but if there's one thing I've never been, it's cool. Whereas Lestrade seems to have spent most of his life leaving snail-trails of cool oozing out behind him wherever he went. And yet here we are. It surprises me over and over again.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Make Them Last](https://archiveofourown.org/works/764777) by [NoStraightLine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoStraightLine/pseuds/NoStraightLine)




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